Merry...

Yesterday in our son’s grade one class the teacher asked each child to share one special activity they enjoy over the holidays. Our son said, “We do that thing, you know, where you do it once every night before the holiday comes. I can’t remember what that thing is called.”

“A menorah?” asked the teacher.

“Yes.” He answered.

“So you celebrate Hanukkah?” she asked him.

“Yes. Yes we do,” he said.

Oh holy Hosanna. The activity he was looking for was, opening a door of the advent calendar!

“Do we celebrate Kwanzaa mummy?” he asked us later that day.

“No hun, we don’t.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Well, we’re not from Africa,”I explained.

“Do you hafta be from Africa?? Can’t we celebrate it anyway.”

“Um. I guess we can." *Mental note: buy some black, red and green candles...

Merry Hanukwanzza everyone! ;)

Tag!

I've been tagged by @LiteMochaMom and been asked to answer a few get to know you questions. What the hell, it’s a distraction from the pain of my ridiculous sneezing injury. (You KNOW you’re getting old when you sneeze and throw your back out...).

In case you've never done this, just remember to link to the person who tagged you, answer the same questions, and then tag five people to do the same. Have fun! And let me know if you do it.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Dolly Parton. True story.

2. Where was your first kiss? In the bush. That is to say, the bushes, in the park near our house. I was ten.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? My guilty conscience would never allow that. Damn it because I think I would’ve made an excellent graffiti artist.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? My neighbour when I was seven. Made him bleed. What? He totally asked for it.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Unfortunately, yes. Hand me a karoke microphone and all hell breaks loose.

6. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Eyes. Not, if they have them. I mean their warmth.

7. What really turns you off? A mean spirit, no sense of humour and foul odors of any kind.

8. What do you order at Starbucks? I don’t enjoy Starbucks actually. Besides, I have a Tassimo now!

9. What is your biggest mistake? Not following through. Started so many hobbies (dance, music, Judo, English riding) but lost interest and quit.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? No. Too afraid of pain.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I can NOT sleep in an unmade bed. I must make it, then fold down the covers and slide in.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? I’ve been compared to Elle McPherson, Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss. Oh wait, I’VE compared myself to them. (I’m also delusional) Others claim I look like Elizabeth Perkins or that other chick from Weeds.

13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Yes. Dora’s voice makes me want to change my answer to #10.

14. Did you have braces? Dear god, yes. Four and a half LONG metallic years I suffered (and that doesn’t include the “retainer years”).

15. Are you comfortable with your height? Yup. I loved being long and lean. Though these days I’m just long...

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? So many things but it’s the little silly, funny, day to day things that make me swoon.

17. When do you know it's love? When your partner sees you at your absolute worst but thinks you’re beautiful anyway.

18. Do you speak any other languages? Franglais and Pig Latin

19. Have you ever been to tanning salon? Yes. Back in the 80’s to compensate for the metal mouth.

20. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Not nearly enough. That’s it! I’m renting a limo for my birthday and just riding around with my head out the sunroof. Who’s with me?

21. What's something that really annoys you? Selfish, rude or cowardly people.

22. What's something you really like? Blooper reels and outtakes.

23. Can you dance? Did Michael Jackson moonwalk? Damn straight I can. Do people stop and stare? Yes. In a good way? Um, no. Not always.

24. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Not yet...

25. Tag 5 people!

I'm tagging:
@sharondv
@oceansj
@acraftymom
@ladymamawrites
@littlemissmocha
@MrsLouLou

The Curse of the Over-Active Imagination

A vivid imagination is a good thing right? Wrong. It’s fine if you’re J.K.Rowling or Walt Disney or M. Night Shyamalan. But for me, it’s a disability.

The wind rattling the window at night is for most people, the wind rattling the window. For me, the wind rattling the window is a herd of rabid, demonized raccoons working themselves into a frothy lather struggling to make their way into our house to attack me in my bed.

A plane flying low over head to most people is a plane coming in for a landing. I hear that thunderous hum and duck for cover, certain that it will be crash landing in a ball of fire in our backyard at any moment.

Most people can go for a peaceful stroll in their neighbourhood without incident. The average walker does not scream like a girl when being overtaken by a jogger. How the hell could I be sure I wasn’t being chased by a mugger? His Nikes were pounding the pavement pretty hard and were accelerating rapidly so I don’t think my assumption was unfounded. Ok, maybe trying to swat him with my shopping bag was a bit much but still.

Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

And scary movies? I stupidly watched Paranormal Activity last weekend and haven’t slept soundly since. I’m still getting over the whole “The Ring” trauma. My friend Mare thought she was hilarious phoning me as I arrived home from the theatre to a dark, empty house and whispering over the line that I had “seven days....”. She’s a bitch. Don’t even get me started about my husband’s “Blair Witch standing in a dark corner" impersonation. Nearly gave me a brain aneurism.

I’m sure I’m not alone. Even “normal” people let their imaginations get best of them after a scary movie. But do “normal” people call their husband’s cell phone in tears at 6:30 a.m. convinced that something horrible has happened?

I heard on the radio that there had been an accident on the highway my husband takes to work. Oh god. I was kind of mean to him yesterday. All bossy and PMSy. Shit. Plus, I sent him off in the small car when he wanted to take the van. I whined that I needed the van. This is my fault. EVERY morning I say, “Love you. Drive safely.” I didn’t say it today. I was snoring at the time of his early departure. He knows this is a little ritual that puts me at ease. Usually he smiles and says, “Love you too.” But sometimes, when he’s all smart assy, he answers, “Drive safely? Nah. I’m going to close my eyes and speed and swerve wildly all over the road.” Not amusing.

So in a panic, I called his cell phone. It rang and rang and rang....on the fourth ring, I started to cry. Oh lordy, I killed my husband. I’m a single parent now. Oh god. How am I going to tell the kids and... “Hello?”

Oh thank god. I was so relieved. I told him why I had called.

Silence.

And then, “You are a freak.”

What? Me? I can't imagine what he means by that. Oh wait, yes I can...

Siblings

That stylin' disco dude in the background is my dad! Bah hahaha!

Siblings fight. It’s a normal part of childhood. Apparently my children are abnormal. They’re still young, six and three. All hell could still break loose, but at this moment they are completely peaceful. They have never had a fight or disagreement of any kind. No bickering, hitting, tattling or vying for attention. I watch my son, the older of the two, and marvel at how fiercely protective he is of her. She is his best friend and he hers.

This has absolutely NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with parenting. We have not taught them this behaviour. By all accounts, the six year old should resent his little sister. Her medical issues have resulted in him missing out on many outings and a large portion of attention has been diverted away from him to her. Instead of acting out, he simply loves her more.

My brother, three years my junior, and I were best buddies growing up. Apart from a few squabbles in our teen years, I don’t recall a single harsh word between us. EVER. He’s a grown man now, but I still think of him as a sweet, thoughtful boy. He’s a husband and a father and a talented artist, but to me he’ll always be my little brother.

My sibling is an adventurer. He’s traveled, taken risks, lived on exotic islands, jumped out of planes, earned a dive master’s license, swam across a Caribbean ocean channel in shark invested waters (ok, that one was just stupid), raced in Triathlons... And now, he’s living the most treacherous, demanding, challenge of all - he’s a stay at home dad, while starting up a home business on the side.

He has talent oozing out of every pore – he can dream it, design it, build it and fix it if it breaks. He can paint it and my god, he can even bake it. His home made birthday cakes are amazing. This little brother of mine, is making me look bad!

I miss him. He lives with his family in Michigan, a six hour drive away. His wife Tanya owns a successful veterinary clinic and his two beautiful children are thriving and living a dream life on their five acre farm.

My son: “Our yard is boring. Why don’t we have a pond and trails like at Uncle Mike’s?” Good question kid. Why don’t we? Oh ya, our yard is the size of a postage stamp. That’s why.

When my daughter was in hospital a few years ago, my brother dropped everything and drove up here to stay in our house and look after our son so my husband and I could both be at the hospital. Who does that? My brother. That’s who.

Mike, I am so proud of the man you have become. Your playhouses are amazing! What child would not LOVE one of your creations? If only my yard wasn’t so damn small...

Your loving BIG sister,
Sa xoxoSo many comments to be made about this picture! Mike, your shirt (or the half of it you're wearing anyway) is KILLING me! Not that I can talk. What's with my shorts? And who the hell's dog is that anyway?

Clean Up In Aisle 5

Today was just one of those blah days. The toddler getting up at 4:45 a.m. pretty much set the tone. We finally fell back to sleep, only to OVER-sleep and have to do the mad dash to get to school in time. And for some reason my hair today is so flat, it looks painted on. I’m bloated, cranky and feeling frumpy.

Driving home in the rain from preschool drop off, I pulled up beside a car at a stop sign. I glanced over to see a man, about my age, crying behind the wheel. It startled me. I shudder to think what horrible event has occurred in his life to cause him such grief. I’ve been thinking about him all day.

This afternoon I went to Wal-Mart. I HATE Wal-Mart and avoid shopping there at all costs. It’s not that I think I’m too good for Wal-Mart. I understand there are deals to be had there but I prefer to shop at independent markets to support our local community. Today, I was lazy. Sorry local community! So with the toddler in tow, I went to Wal-Mart to buy a baby gate. Since I was already there, I decided to buy a few groceries. The toddler started yelling. Shrilly. I caved and bought her a juice box which she promptly squeezed, dousing me with sticky apple juice. I reprimanded her sharply and looked up to see a woman, giving me a disapproving stare. I wanted to ram her in the shins with my cart.

Instead, I pondered the chicken. Wal-mart meat? This cannot be a good thing. I continued to shop, scanning the aisles wildly for the packet of Ranch Dip I needed for next week’s Thirsty Thursday recipe. I looked in the salad dressing aisle. No powdered ranch mix. The toddler was practically hoarse from screaming so to speed things up, I asked a girl in a blue smock for help. “Ranch dip? Ya. No. I have no idea where that is. I’m from bakery.” Thanks. So very helpful. Screw the ranch dip then. I’d get it from a REAL grocery store.

As I headed toward the checkout I heard a woman speaking to her son. I recognized her voice immediately. It took a moment to place her, but she was definitely a girl I worked with 20 years ago. On any other day, I would’ve gone up to her and asked what she had been up to? Any other day. Today, because of my pancake hair, the scary shadows under my eyes, my too-tight pants and unruly child...I kept walking. I am so pissed at myself for doing that. I want a do-over. Now I’ll never know how her life turned out. Vain dumbass.

I lined up at the cashier, bypassing the self-checkout. The toddler and I always choose the self-check. She LOVES using the scanner and naming the various things we’re buying. It just wasn’t in me today. Bad, lazy mummy. The toddler added a pack of gum, a box of razors and a lighter to the cart. I’m wise to her tricks however and spotted these additions immediately and put them back on the shelf (I could ream off a dozen past items I did NOT catch in time). I hate those little dinky trinkets that line the check-out aisle to temp little fingers. Another great reason to go through the self-check!

As I bagged the groceries, I eavesdropped on the angry man behind me complaining to the Customer Service Manager about some mouldy food item he was trying to return. He was in quite a state. The toddler even stopped pilfering the chocolate bars, hair elastics and batteries to listen in. And then, before I could stop her, she reached over, dug her tiny hand into the man’s back pocket and pulled the silky lining out. Then she gave his right bum cheek a little pat. He turned around and looked at her and then at me. “Ya. She’s a pick-pocket,” I told him straight faced. “It’s what we do.” I kept bagging my groceries. He burst out laughing and so did the formerly terse store manager. Suddenly, my day was a little less blah...

I said I would only blog about Swine Flu once and not contribute to the H1N1 hysteria. However, I thought I could hopefully provide some comfort.

The issue whether to vaccinate has been a ridiculous mess. Conflicting information, wrong information, no information. Enough said about that. We decided not to give our children the H1N1 vaccine and there were many contributing factors to this decision:

* The questions surrounding the “safety” and efficacy of the shot.

* Many people who have already had the virus reported its symptoms are mild. I know, but what if “we” are the exception? Trust me, I’ve wrestled with that.

* We wondered if getting this flu and thereby gaining some natural immunity for the future might be wise? I have concerns about over vaccinating our children so their immune systems never get a chance to “learn” how to defend their host. Please don’t misunderstand, we DO vaccinate our children for many diseases; Meningitis, MMR, etc. but have concerns about flu vaccines specifically.

* Finally, and here’s the big one. As part of our 3 year old daughter’s genetic disorder, we know that there is a chance - maybe next year, maybe in 30 years, maybe never (please, please let it be the last one) she will be faced with a serious neuromuscular disease. The thought of me, her mother, the person who is supposed to protect her, allowing the injection of a neurotoxin that could potentially kick start a dormant disease... No. Friggin. Way.

It turns out all of the research and questioning and searching for answers and sleepless nights was a waste of time. We got the flu before the vaccine was even offered.

People, including children, have died from Swine Flu and that is terrifying. However, MOST people, including my family were and ARE fine.

My six year old son became ill first. His worse symptom was lack of appetite and fever for two nights. If you were to ask him, the worst part was extreme boredom. Apparently there is “nothing to do in our house.” Who knew? I kind of feel like there’s too much to be done around here...

The three year old got it two days later. How would this girl, so compromised and little survive this? She was fine. Tamiflu and Tylenol and she was happy as could be. The forth day in, she woke with a cough that worsened throughout the day. She also had several episodes of sleep apnea the night before. That scared the hell out of me, but only in light of what I had been reading about respiratory conditions related to H1N1 and DEATH. I got a caught up in the fear. Under normal circumstances, I would’ve treated her at home with confidence. Instead, my husband took her to a walk-in clinic. As soon as he mentioned breathing issues, they sent them to the ER. I appreciate their cautious approach but it meant twelve hours in a germy hospital. I was forced to stay at home, wringing my hands (and watching America’s Next Top Model...What? I needed a distraction!) as I had come down with the virus as well. They were sent home the next morning. No signs of respiratory issues. Today, she is absolutely fine. Back to normal. Feisty as ever.

I’m not a good sick person. I deny that I’m even ill until I pass out or vomit in my shoe. This time there was no denying it. I was indeed sick. Headache, tired muscles and a HIGH fever. I was really sick for one night only – fever, chills. After that, I was just tired. I would take this flu over a stomach bug or snotty cold that drags on forever any day. I’m not implying that I enjoyed having the Swine Flu but, I did enjoy:

* Co-Sleeping with my children. Such a special bonding experience. The night I adjusted my baby girl’s blanket and she rolled over and smiled at me and said, “Love you mummy” and stroked my cheek? C’mon, that’s a memory I’ll treasure forever. A fever of 104.5 is a small price to pay.

* Letting hubby take control and take care of “the infected” as he so lovingly referred to us. Usually I’m the care taker. Sometimes it’s nice to let somebody else look after things and that would NEVER have happened if I wasn’t stuck in bed.

* I read a book! A whole book!! I haven’t managed to read a book from cover to cover in years! I flipped through mags, watched trashy t.v. shows online, talked on the phone. That part was bliss. Sweaty. But blissful.

I’m here to bear witness that the Swine Flu is not as horrid as the media is making it out to be. Any new viral strain is worrisome and precautions should be taken. However, if you intended to get vaccinated but because of the POOR PLANNING AND STUPIFYING STUPIDITY OF THE POWERS THAT BE* you are unable to do so, please take comfort in the fact that we’ve been through it and in our experience, it was no more severe than any other seasonal flu.

*IF I DID intend to vaccinate my 3 year old HIGH RISK child, I would be so pissed right now. The fact that they were vaccinating everyone and their uncle when the initial vaccine was intended for HIGH RISK people only, astounds me. What were they thinking??

Don’t They Make Family Sized Bubbles (like the one from the movie “The Boy in the Plastic Bubble?”)

Flu season sucks.
Flu season as a parent sucks even more.
Flu season as a parent of a child with epilepsy and underlying neurological disorders with a potential deadly pandemic thrown in, sucks beyond words.

I’m not even going to delve into the whole H1N1 situation. I can’t. If I do, my head may actually explode.

Last year, our whole family got the seasonal flu shot. This year, we are not. Why? For starters, the scary accelerants and other assorted shit they put in those things leaves me feeling queasier than when I had that nasty case of gastroenteritis last year (yes, the same season I had a flu shot). Besides, it looks like my children already have the flu....which strain will remain unknown as doctors have stopped taking swabs. Apparently the labs can’t keep up with the cost and time required to test for H1N1 so, they don't. But if it walks like a pig and oinks like a pig, chances are it’s Swine Flu.

I am as confused as any other parent right now and really have no advice to offer other than this: If you DO plan to vaccinate your child this season, don’t make the mistakes I made.

Here’s what I did last year:
Before we headed to the doctor, I really upsold the shot. “Nooooo. The SHOT won’t hurt AT ALL. See this syringe (the one you use to dose out children’s Tylenol), it’s just like this. Nothing scary about that, right?"

God I’m stupid sometimes. First of all, my son did not appreciate the word “shot”. Take note. Use the word “vaccine” instead - it doesn’t conjure up images of a gun blast to the upper arm. My children are cursed with my over-active imagination apparently.

Secondly, don’t lie to your child. Obviously, don’t tell them the truth either – that SHOTS can sting like a son-of-a –bitch. Just don’t show them a harmless syringe and lull them into a false sense of calm. Upon seeing the needle at the doctor’s office my son screamed and pointed an accusatory finger at me. “What? Are you kidding? You didn’t tell me there was going to be a PIN in it!?” Guess it took him by surprise. He’s like me. He likes to be prepared. My bad.

He also didn’t appreciate the nurse’s trickery. “Why did she tell me to look at the polar bear poster? She was trying to trick me! When I turned my head, she stuck that pin into me! Why would she do that?”

Right after the injection I asked my son if it hurt.
He said, “No actually. It didn’t really hurt at all.” Then he was walking on air because 1) it was over 2) he was all proud of his bravery 3) we were off to get the candy I promised him after his SHOT

As we left the doctor's office...

Me: Are needles that bad?
Him: No. Not at all.
Me: If you had to get another one, would you be afraid?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me (In my head): Phew. Thankfully I won’t have to battle with him about this in the future. My god I’m a fantastic parent.

If I were to do it over again, I would have taken a brief video snippet on my camera of that verbal exchange. I really wish I had, because somewhere over the course of this year, my son has developed a paralyzing fear of shots...ahem, I mean, vaccines. He is terrified. If only I had evidence to show him that there really isn’t anything to be afraid of. Well, in terms of the injection itself that is. Personally, the thought of the H1N1 vaccine to me is indeed terrifying, hence the giant controversy. But, he doesn’t need to know anything about that. I am doing enough worrying for the both of us (and them some).

Keep healthy everyone!

Hugs and kisses

Lisa

Oh wait, hugs and kisses are out of the question this season. Oops.

Sending you a big ol’ high five instead. Hang on - absolutely no contact. So those are out too.

Ok then, I’m waving at you from afar, with a smile on my face (though you’ll just have to take my word for it since you can’t see it underneath my mask).